My mom said, “Write about aboulomania.”
So I created a new tab and did a Google search on the word.
And then my night kinda took a downward spiral.
But now that it’s better thanks to some good company and some good movies. Really, I’m a champ. I think you can see it in my writing. Look at Diefy Plums. I start out in the depths of my own mind and come out stomping on my demons. That’s what I do, that’s how I function. Right now, in my situation, my life has turned into an ongoing cycle of confronting demons. I’ve been making mistakes. Big ones. And they kept getting bigger and bigger.
Writing is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement. Then it becomes a mistress, then it becomes a master, then it becomes a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster and fling him to the public.
People ask me what I write. I never had an answer, but I do now. The question isn’t what do I write, but why do I write.
It gets me through my periods of aboulomania. When I’m looking at the world, and I’m seeing what’s in front of me, who I’m interacting with, what I’m doing, how I’m handling my current situation, it’s frightening. More often than not I find myself trying to forget about the instability of my situation by just soaking the enjoyment out of things. I forget about the decisions I have to make and move with what’s going on until I figure out how to act. Or until I’m cornered into action. I’ve been learning what it means to “kill your darlings.”
My writing helps. This helps.
I said once that I was going to enjoy being 22. I was going to leave age 21 behind and take 22 by the balls. I thought at that point I would be doing it side by side with someone I loved. Now, I know I have to do it by myself. I just figured that out tonight. The question since I left Spike was “Do I want to be alone?” The answer, the one I’ve finally come to, is “No, but I’m not afraid to be.”
So in the spirit of being profoundly prompted so serendipitously, I’m Twittering again. My old tag, that was a practice run. Like the autumn was a practice run. Follow me @KatelynLea123
I realize at this point some of you are looking at your computer monitors, your smart phones, your tablet displays, and thinking this girl is off her rocker. I’m cool with that. I am off my rocker. But I’ve got something to say, and I’m going to say it. Through my writing, my yapping into the void on the Internet, I want to create something to focus on. I named this blog The Midnight Disease on a dark The Wonderboys inspired whim. I said that I wanted to read a blog about a writer trying to write her first book, and here I am: I’m doing it.
If you’re down with that, keep reading. I’ll keep writing.